Of Guardian Angels and Kindred Spirits

Sometimes... during your most trying times, God sends you a battalion of angels ready to fight on your side. I am so fortunate to have all the angels that were sent my way. There is a very special angel that i would like to mention in this post. My aunt who have been on my side from the second I laid my back to the emergency room bed. I never really expected her to do those for me and I’m so indebted. She came in everyday to help me bathe, brought me food, talked to my doctor when I am lost for words. She was there when I received the bad news, pleaded to her boss to find me the best doctor, and went through every check up, every chemo day with me. Went with me through every workshop I needed to attend to learn more about my disease and how to deal with it. Went with me to find scarves and wig. Everything I went through...she went through with me. She is the best angel one can ever have. Her energy and positive outlook helped propel mine. No words can describe the gratitude and appreciation I have for her.

Dear Lord
I thank thee for the battalion of angels you sent my way
To be with me while I go through life’s most trying times
To offer a hand, a cheer, a prayer, a thought, a gesture
Some are far, some are near, wherever they are Lord
Bless them, bless them, bless them all.

Song of the moment ....

I must admit... I posted this not just because of the lyrics ;)

also because of the cute guys in it...hehe

todays truth

Today I started to lose my hair. After two weeks of chemo. It's exactly how I read it would be. I was abit shocked at how much the morning shower has taken off. The comb has done it's share too. Sadly I stared at all the hair on the bathroom floor. As I ran my fingers through my hair, strands of hairs goes with it. It's just a matter of time until I get completely bald. I will certainly miss my hair. To go through this eventuality is scary and nerve wrecking.

I am glad I can share my fears openly to my family and friends. They are very supportive and encouraged me that it's alright to be scared and that it does not change who I am to them. After releasing the fear comes acceptance. What will be will be. I'm ready.

My first truth and my dream mobile

Feb 27, 2009

After a few days of waiting, I was told that the biopsy turned out to be a certain type of cancer. Did it surprise me? No. For a certain amount of time while waiting for the result I have considered thinking this probability. It was not a surprise but it sure felt like a slap in the face.

When i heard those revelations from the doctors, I felt numb, I felt cold, like the world has stopped spinning. There were no tears, just an eerie feeling of being cold, dazed and disoriented. Then I pushed myself to snap out of it. There is no need to block reality, I need to face the truth and to be able to deal with it on a first hand basis.

Mortality has knocked on my door at the age of 43. He insisted that I take all my dreams to the dumpster and make me a slave of his depressing grasps. I am 43 and this I told him. I will not throw my dreams away because of Him... I will put them aside for a while, while I deal with him head on. I challenged him that I will fight for these hopes and dreams with all the strength left in me.

Okay, I have a cancer. What should we do next? I was told my case is now passed to the oncology department. First they need to know how extensive the cancer, the surgeons needs to review my case for possible surgeries and the radiologists need to also review my files for possible radiation needs.

While hearing all of these, in my mind I was carefully suspending all my dreams in a mobile (see picture above)... I don’t want to lose sight of them while I take care of more pressing matters.

The Point of No Return

Feb 23, 2009 1:30 am

Pain seared through my torso. I thought I had ruptured my appendicitis or my ovary. Every breath I took in increases the pain I feel, every movement I made sends the pain to whole new level. I was curled on the floor sweating feeling nauseated and in a panic. 911 were called in and I found myself in the emergency room of Sunny Brook Hospital.

Not knowingly, that moment of time, I have stepped to a point in my life that I could never, never step back again.

They said my stomach and abdomen is swollen. They have done an x-ray and a CT scan. They saw some thickening in my stomach and decided that I should do an endoscopy to really find out what’s happening and at the same time collect a sample for biopsy. I was admitted while the entire test was going on.