Truth No. 7 - Take it or leave it

I had to get a form completed by my oncology doctor. It is needed to see if I can go back to work ....





it's quite a schock to know that what I have is incurable. It's quite discouraging but then again she did indicated that treatment is palliative... is palliative a word of hope?

I will try to ignore it... it kept me discouraged for a day or two. But I'll leave it at that. I still believe I can still look up at my suspended dreams and find a glimmer of hope ....

A friend in need, is a friend indeed

Sweet April:
you might never know what you have done is way more than I would ever be able to.

Be well and keep fighting, I'll see you soon,
K

--- On Fri, 4/17/09, April wrote:
From: April>
Subject: Re: your visit
To: "K "
Received: Friday, April 17, 2009, 12:21 PM

Oh, I should thank you so much! If it hadn't been your visit, I would not have found courage to show myself at work. And it turned out to be much much more than what I have hoped for. And it's is sooo refreshing to see familiar faces, to feel the hugs and warm smiles and genuine concern and i'm just so happy.

I hope the noodles and the cake were finished (or you have some left to take home ;)

Yup A and I talked alot about work and what's happening right now. I still have to talk to my doctor about working or partly working. A is open to the idea of me working at home too. I do hope I can work again. even on a part time basis. Looking forward to my treatments, which is a wait and see situation. After three chemo cycles I will have my CT scan to see if the tumor has changed and then plan for the next step. I am still facing possible surgery and radiation in the future. That is why it is so hard to plan ahead right now.

Thank you for all the things you've done for me K. I appreciate it very much. I hope to see you and give you lots of hugs!!!

April

________________________________________
From: K
To: April>
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 10:04:14 AM

Subject: your visit

It was so good seeing you yesterday, I konw you were very nervous and self conscious when you first got there but hopefully it got a bit better later. I tried to stay a bit out of the way because I had already spent time with you and everybody else to have time to reconnect and catch up. I'm just sorry that I got so wrapped in work I didn't get to give you a hug when you left - I'm sending it now :-)

I hope your meeting with A went well and you made some headways in terms of different options for your return to work. Just concentrate on getting well and things will unfold the way they should.

Love,

K

Of Guardian Angels and Kindred Spirits

Sometimes... during your most trying times, God sends you a battalion of angels ready to fight on your side. I am so fortunate to have all the angels that were sent my way. There is a very special angel that i would like to mention in this post. My aunt who have been on my side from the second I laid my back to the emergency room bed. I never really expected her to do those for me and I’m so indebted. She came in everyday to help me bathe, brought me food, talked to my doctor when I am lost for words. She was there when I received the bad news, pleaded to her boss to find me the best doctor, and went through every check up, every chemo day with me. Went with me through every workshop I needed to attend to learn more about my disease and how to deal with it. Went with me to find scarves and wig. Everything I went through...she went through with me. She is the best angel one can ever have. Her energy and positive outlook helped propel mine. No words can describe the gratitude and appreciation I have for her.

Dear Lord
I thank thee for the battalion of angels you sent my way
To be with me while I go through life’s most trying times
To offer a hand, a cheer, a prayer, a thought, a gesture
Some are far, some are near, wherever they are Lord
Bless them, bless them, bless them all.

Song of the moment ....

I must admit... I posted this not just because of the lyrics ;)

also because of the cute guys in it...hehe

todays truth

Today I started to lose my hair. After two weeks of chemo. It's exactly how I read it would be. I was abit shocked at how much the morning shower has taken off. The comb has done it's share too. Sadly I stared at all the hair on the bathroom floor. As I ran my fingers through my hair, strands of hairs goes with it. It's just a matter of time until I get completely bald. I will certainly miss my hair. To go through this eventuality is scary and nerve wrecking.

I am glad I can share my fears openly to my family and friends. They are very supportive and encouraged me that it's alright to be scared and that it does not change who I am to them. After releasing the fear comes acceptance. What will be will be. I'm ready.

My first truth and my dream mobile

Feb 27, 2009

After a few days of waiting, I was told that the biopsy turned out to be a certain type of cancer. Did it surprise me? No. For a certain amount of time while waiting for the result I have considered thinking this probability. It was not a surprise but it sure felt like a slap in the face.

When i heard those revelations from the doctors, I felt numb, I felt cold, like the world has stopped spinning. There were no tears, just an eerie feeling of being cold, dazed and disoriented. Then I pushed myself to snap out of it. There is no need to block reality, I need to face the truth and to be able to deal with it on a first hand basis.

Mortality has knocked on my door at the age of 43. He insisted that I take all my dreams to the dumpster and make me a slave of his depressing grasps. I am 43 and this I told him. I will not throw my dreams away because of Him... I will put them aside for a while, while I deal with him head on. I challenged him that I will fight for these hopes and dreams with all the strength left in me.

Okay, I have a cancer. What should we do next? I was told my case is now passed to the oncology department. First they need to know how extensive the cancer, the surgeons needs to review my case for possible surgeries and the radiologists need to also review my files for possible radiation needs.

While hearing all of these, in my mind I was carefully suspending all my dreams in a mobile (see picture above)... I don’t want to lose sight of them while I take care of more pressing matters.

The Point of No Return

Feb 23, 2009 1:30 am

Pain seared through my torso. I thought I had ruptured my appendicitis or my ovary. Every breath I took in increases the pain I feel, every movement I made sends the pain to whole new level. I was curled on the floor sweating feeling nauseated and in a panic. 911 were called in and I found myself in the emergency room of Sunny Brook Hospital.

Not knowingly, that moment of time, I have stepped to a point in my life that I could never, never step back again.

They said my stomach and abdomen is swollen. They have done an x-ray and a CT scan. They saw some thickening in my stomach and decided that I should do an endoscopy to really find out what’s happening and at the same time collect a sample for biopsy. I was admitted while the entire test was going on.